If my high school girlfriend could see me now, I’d quickly climb down from the tree outside her window.
Today I shouted, “You’re not my real ladder!!” at my stepladder.
If you’re thinking about having kids, ask yourself one question: “Do I like idiots?"
Am I the only person who feels awkward when I tell my black friends I’m taking the N train?
You think the Death Star had a WiFi network called, “deathstar_guest”?
Joggers are always the ones who find dead bodies. See that's why I hate jogging.
Black, white, brown, we’re all human, we’ve all mistakenly thrown trash into the umbrella bucket.
Everyone’s outgoing message should be, “Just text me dude."
"Keep Autism Weird" #WorstBotchedTshirts
You'll never guess who I saw at the Yankees/Red Sox game last night – a bunch of assholes.
"22 Boogers Shaped Like Minnesota." –Buzzfeed Kids
Irony: Left Eye is the only member of TLC who's not left.
Dear bay leaves, be edible or stay the fuck out of my food.
Not sure why I want to see Trump's tax returns. I can't even understand mine.
Movember's lame. I save my charitable hair growing for Pubecember.
During sex, my wife will shout out stuff like SO GOOD! and AMAZING! using air quotes.
Where the hell did they get the money to fund the development of Kickstarter?
Just one morning, I'd like to wake up with a massive direction.
I sure hope lobsters are getting a cut of the $17 I just paid for a small portion of them inside a toasted hot dog bun.
Baby seducing a woman: (whispering) “When I get back from the potty, I want you naked."
I can never tell the difference between someone who fences and someone who keeps bees.
Don’t underestimate my strength, ants.
Just checked. There IS a river in Crimea called the Crimea River. Say it out loud. Kinda funny.
Came up with a good rap name for a guy with my rhyming skills: Lil' Help
When someone says their film is a “love letter” to someone, I’m like, next time just write an actual love letter – literally millions of dollars cheaper.
Why doesn’t the news cover any of the GOOD stuff that happens to Malaysian flights?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens aren’t even in my top thousand.
Is there anyone else who measures time by how old Anthony Michael Hall looks?
Clapping when a plane lands feels like a sarcastic “Nice work” to the pilot.
Why are people always trying to break the record for world’s biggest cheeseburger? Why not go for something more useful, like world’s biggest orphanage?
My friend told me he ran a half-marathon on Sunday. I don’t care how many times you split a marathon in half, I’m not running it.
I’d donate to way more online charities if my wallet wasn’t always in the other room.
When you think about it, why isn’t everyone on every elevator going, “WOOOHOOOO!!”
My dad at 80 thinks he’s Oscar Wilde. Talking about death he said, “Dying’s the LAST thing I want to do, though it probably will be the last thing I do.”
Just heard a guy in CVS shouting, "You a CVS! Why you ain't got Pringles?!" He had a point.
Shit. I just discovered my big career break was sitting in junk mail. :(
If you move to NYC, for fuck sake be CAMERA READY!
“I can’t quit you.” -Me to my frozen web browser this morning
Why do alt-right groups like the Proud Boys have names like they're 3 yr olds? "I'm a pwoud boy for eating my cawwots & hating minowities."
Why does everyone think side-boob is so sexy, but when I show side-ball, they page the Duane Reade manager?
My kids HATE pedophiles.
I'm so good at doing sports that I bet I could beat anyone at tennisballs.
Choosing a theme for his birthday party, my 3-yr old said he'd circle back with me on Monday.
Pooping without my phone is like going to the beach without the sun.
I think it's time we asked ourselves why goldfish are not gold. #orange
If the Beastie Boys were still rapping, you know they’d eventually rhyme Gluten with Putin.
About 40 minutes into The Martian, my wife asks me, "When's Matt Damon gonna meet this Martian?"
Rule of thumb: never date a pinky
Hey suspense lovers, wait til you hear this…
“No one puts baby in the car seat.” -bad parents
It’s National Poetry Month,
Which is a lot of funth.
Hey everyone, I’ll be speaking at Harvard's 367th Commencement this year. Excuse me– “during"
"BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM” -rave kid describing to you his 3rd favorite song
The only way I’d believe in God is if he was played by Daniel Day Lewis.
“Hey Coen brothers, thanks a lot for making the rest of us look bad.” -Howie and Bruce Coen
Betcha anything kangaroos bully wallabies by calling them wannabes.
Not a big Mumford and Sons fan, but goddam if they don’t fit the mood in a Starbucks.
Chocolate is like a box of life. BOOM! Reverse GUMP!!
"At what point of my career can I expect to start talking like a white person again?" -Bieber to Timberlake
My only problem with the song "Age Ain't Nothin' but a Number" is that “Age” is a word.
Dear all restaurants, fuck your beet salad.
Has bi-curiosity ever killed a cat?
Is it strange my dentist makes me use stirrups?
Last minute! I need a babysitter for tonight (not for babysitting).
1 D0N'7 UND3RST4ND TH3 MU51C 0F DE4DMAU5.
Is it just me, or is there tons of sexual tension between Sofia Vergara and me?
Lazy Fun Fact: On this day in history, something happened with the Beatles probably.
"Private Eyes, baaaaah, are watching you, baa baaah, they see your every move." -Hall and Goats
The weakest link: htp:/b
If you name any song, there's a pretty good chance I didn't have sex to it in high school.
You know diehard Billy Joel fans call Scenes from an Italian Restaurant just "Scenes"
Still uncomfortable my mom’s email address ends in cox.net.
Jason Sudeikis is the plural of Jason Sudoku.
If Hillary had been elected, both Chelsea’s parents would have been president. Man I have enough trouble living up to a gym teacher & a zoo trustee.
Coincidence Alert! “Taken 2” and “Taken 3” are also about someone being taken.
Gonna start throwing around the word "environs" more. #YOLO
If I were homeless, I’d tell people I had an apartment with “tons of outdoor space.”
Why don’t things ever get pulled from fat air? Seems there’d be more to pull from.
I bring my own bags to the grocery store because I don’t know who I am anymore.
I celebrate Easter by masturbating while wearing a bonnet.
Jpeggggg, it will come back to you.
Just picked up the book "Investing for Dummies" for $24,999.99. Money well spent.
One iMac to the other: "How you gonna shift command Z your way outta this one?"
If my neighbor's dog could text, at 3am last night he was probably typing, "BMFAO" to his buddies.
“Well I worked one summer at the top of a water slide telling kids when to go.” -Guy applying for ‘next available register’ job at Trader Joe's
The Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie b/w Jairam Hathwar & Nihar Janga. Idea for tiebreaker: each must spell the other’s name.
Idea for late night talk show segment: Host welcomes animal trainer and is made very nervous by all the animals
I’ve had it with the naysayers. And by that I mean horses.
I know within the first 10 minutes of a song whether I think it's too long.
Pretty sure all you need is a 2nd grade education and the ability to boil pasta and they'll let you give a TED Talk.
Looking forward to playing "Marco Rubio" with my Republican nephews at the pool this weekend.
Could we name the great white shark something a little less Aryan brotherhood?
Go #FF yourself.
If you drop acid and listen to any Rascal Flats album straight through, beginning to end, in pitch darkness, it will suck.
Where has being a Toys R Us kid gotten me today, besides sitting here at my computer wondering why there's no backwards R key?
I love when a hot dog stand has free Wi Fi (Wiener Fixins).
My wife is my pun dumpster.
Landed a job splitting peas for a local soup yard.
How do I get my penis unstuck from this empty Pringles can? ;)
I have the coolest bank routing number! It's 058003194! How badass is that?
Tip for scoring Amish chicks: replace saying “instead” with “in its stead.”
What’s the point of swimming if it’s not in an infinity pool? If I can’t feel like I’m swimming into eternity, I don’t want to swim.
Adverbs are completely and utterly unnecessary.
Keep your fried egg off my burger, asshole.
Greece might be bad with money, but they have a masterful handle on dill.
I just reached a sad and crucial moment in life where sucking in my gut doesn’t get rid of my gut.
After peeing, I wish my penis snapped back into my pants like a tape measure.
People all over the world support the arts. Not enough are supporting the crafts.
Thinking of joining a fantasy flag football league.
I prefer writing my bucket list goals in the form of a regular to-do list. Why associate death with adopting an alpaca?
I feel Michael Moore hasn't nailed his look yet.
I know bigger problems exist in the world, but when I realize it’s Bagel Wednesday at work after just spending $1.50 at a deli on a bagel, my day is ruined.
I think it's funny my office's "Up All Night!" holiday party ends tonight at 10:30.
Just realized why they’re called “magic" markers – b/c in the blink of an eye, a 4-yr old can use one to turn a valuable oil painting into garbage.
You know that crust that forms in your eyes when you sleep? I get it when Wolf Blitzer speaks.
Jefferson Airplane was the Bruce Jenner of bands. They had to hang out as Jefferson Starship for a while before becoming 100% Starship.
Astronomers discovered 3 Earth-sized planets where water could be present. Just think, there could be millions of other assholes out there.
My problem w/ 2016 Star Wars: Millennium Falcon now sounds too close to “Millennial" Falcon = whiny, self-entitled falcon.
Actually, can I get your awesome sauce on the side?
Is a bi polar bear a bear with severe mood swings or a sexually open polar bear?
NOT cancelling the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade makes me feel like the terrorists have won.
“He dropped the ball” -Times Square ball dropper, either failing or succeeding
Bon Iver just came on Spotify and my son goes, “The Muppets!!"
To all those whose Oscar predictions prove correct, congratulations in advance on your worthless intuition.
Trying to save money on postage this year, so if you're a friend or family member, please stop by my place to pick up your Christmas card.
Does anyone have the number for 1-800-FLOWERS??
My advice for kids picking a college: choose one w/ a unique area code so later in life when they call u for donations, you know who to screen.
Has anyone ever thought of doing a podcast where comedians talk to each other?
Jared Leto is like a Rubik’s Cube. Hard to figure out, but who really cares anymore.
"Well well, if it isn't the Pussy-fic Ocean." –Atlantic Ocean
Endorsed two people on Linkedin this morning. Spending the rest of the day waiting for good shit to happen to me.
It’s March, take butternut squash soup the fuck off your menu.
There’s a classic rock band named after me in spin class: Butt Sweat and Tears
We need more young female recording artists to sing about finding the strength to be themselves.
(Whispering) "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You." -Gloria Estefan telling her kids a scary bedtime story.
“Flat or sparkling?”
“How ‘bout I WAS IN NAM!!!!”
As a new father of two, I'm finding it difficult juggling a 3-yr-old with a 4-month-old and a chainsaw while on a unicycle.
50 Cent is broke? That doesn’t make any cent.
I always see penises drawn in pen on subway billboards. It's senseless. They should use Sharpies.
My wife just said, "I don't get baseball. Wouldn't you just ALWAYS hit a homerun?"
One of the few times I warmed up Daily Show, Jon Stewart saw me b4 the show and said – "Good luck and remember, every 3rd word, say ‘cunt.’”
My favorite John Hughes movie in Italy is Sistine Chapels.
Just registered my new HP printer online. I feel nothing.
Said to the woman in the GAP jeans dept, "Don't act like your shit don't shrink."
I really do enjoy eating healthy. I just don't like the food.
My gay buddy says he loves Easter (whispering) "for the pastels."
When are Hootie and the Blowfish never getting back together again? Hopefully soon.
I got six words for you.
I wish everything and everyone came with an “unsubscribe” link.
Hey Google Maps, NO ONE likes it when you zoom out so quickly. I’m looking for Bill’s house and now I’m in outer space.
My perfect partner is someone kind, compassionate and who has never said, "co-inky-dink."
Why does Pandora keep playing crappy songs on my Jennifer Love Hewitt station?
Remember Hands Across America? That would’ve made a good ad for Purell.
Whoever gave an orange its name was one lazy bastard.
I just CC'd the the shit out of six girls in my office.
Driving thru Indiana. It’s flatter than a frat boy singing Jesse's Girl at dollar-pitcher Karaoke night.
Surest way to miss your flight– get caught at the metal detectors behind Daft Punk.
“You complete me.” -Visor to Yamaka
Typically I wouldn’t tell my 2 yr-old to go fuck himself, but Hall and Oates do NOT sound poopy.
2020 is going to be my year! If not, maybe 2021 will be. Or some other year. Hopefully.
Thank god my penis is an OUTIE.
Young Jeezy and Wiz Khalifa should team up and release a cracker spread called Jeezy Wiz.
Marriage can be summed up in one question: Wanna get Thai?
Happy Feet 2 is the saddest of the Happy Feet films.
I provide a very healthy environment for anxiety.
In my quest to be supremely unique, I will start pointing at things with only my thumbs.
I carried a bowl of wet lettuce 30 times through a revolving door today and it didn't dry :(
Proud to have won the New Yorker cartoon caption contest AGAIN this week in my opinion.
Barry White’s voice doesn't match his name. He sounds more like a Lamont Smolder.
The best disease to go with a bottle of Corona is lime disease.
It would be funny if Neko Case had a son named Justin.
I always wondered where Soul II Soul was before getting back to life and/or back to reality.
"Goodnight Raymour." "Goodnight Flanigan." Click
Fuck you ISIS. You’re two auxiliary verbs.
Thought I saw Lance Armstrong on my way to work this morning, but turned out it was just a bag of dog shit.
Idea for MC Hammer comeback-- record a kids song called "Don't Touch That."
Hate to break it to you, stamp collectors, but you collect stickers. Like a little girl.
For every unreasonably loud sneeze, an angel loses her septum.
Weird. It's not Sunday and I’m in a Norah Jones mood. Gettin' old.
Michael Buble will NOT be the reason I figure out the “accent over the e” function on my keyboard.
Another week, another unread New Yorker stacked under my coffee table.
I still haven't seen The Life of 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286....
I'm lying in bed wondering why I can't just be honest in bed?
I never feel more Japanese than when I say hello to my kitty.
Pirates arrrrrrrrrre dicks.
Penn Station sounds like a lame-ass stationary store.
When Buzzfeed baits you with something "ridiculously cute," prepare to say, “Ok sure, that’s cute...I guess."
Guests on my podcast today are Lindsey Graham and Dana Loesch. You’re gonna want to miss this one!
If I were given 3 months to live, the silver lining would be finally feeling ok to sign up for a YouTube Premium 3-month free trial without worrying I’ll forget to cancel before being charged.
I think a better question is, “What’s at the root of Waldo’s social anxiety?”
I was playing John Coltrane this morning and my 6-yr old said, “Dad, this is Whole Foods music.”
This page intentionally left blank as a fuck-you to trees.
MAKE ANYONE PRESIDENT AGAIN #MAPA
I have to stop lifting brides on chairs high into the air. Whenever I see one, whether I’m drunk or not, I gotta lift her. Doesn’t always end well.
Does the tooth fairy leave money for meth heads when they lose teeth? She shouldn't. You know what they’re gonna spend it on.
The mission that is truly impossible is making Tom Cruise look tall amongst his cast members.
Hey parents, empty nest syndrome could be worse. Your kids could have just fallen out of a tree and been eaten by a cat.
Not crazy about getting older. Just tweaked my neck yawning.
If I became super rich, first thing I’d do was stop using my blinkers, b/c fuck you, I have a lot of money – YOU figure out where I’m going.
Glad my dad’s sense of humor is holding up at 80. Playing pool yesterday I asked if his aim was still good. He said, “I can aim fine. I just can’t hit what I’m aiming at.”
It's Bring your Self to Work Day.
TOYS ‘WERE” US
Sux when I love a song but hate the name of the band, like the song, “Love your Smile” by Shit Sandwich Junction.
BAD INVENTION: A machine that helps you fall asleep by playing the sound of someone eating a banana.
Red Sox are playing well this year tho they’re still named after laundry that turns my whites pink.
Reminder to self: do something
Idea for a commercial: Morgan Freeman
Bad cologne scent idea: Vitamins
My haikus come in at around 4, 1, 4.
Feeling pressure to watch the Winter Olympics closing ceremonies is like when your parents wanted you to say bye to their dinner guests – "Craig, come say goodnight!" (From bedroom) "Can't! Doing homework! Nice meeting you!" Except it's the Olympics.
It’s Daylight Savings! Don’t forget your smart devices will set your clocks back for you.
I’d rather watch the Human Centipede with my mom than 2 office workers who don’t know each other very well run into each other on a packed subway struggling through small talk.
So Willie Geist works for Libby Leist? Geist reports to Leist? What if Leist books Feist as Geist’s first guest? Christ, if Feist’s on Leist’s list of guests for Geist, I’ll be just...aghast, I guess.
I’m hip. I watch podcasts.
My wife just said, "You’ve heard of Selma, right? It's that movie."
DYK? Staples has an adult section where they sell barely legal pads.
I always get PTSD mixed up with Pacific Standard Time.
My 5-yr-old lands all his playdates through Tindergarten.
For the record, I hate 100% of pictures that capture jumping groomsmen frozen in midair, including mine.
Women's underwear used to be the most exciting thing in the world to me. Being married, it's the most irksome thing in the basket to fold.
I couldn’t seduce someone with The Rock’s dick.
"STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH!” –me to myself in the mirror this morning
Just got a .00000005 ounce drop of honey on my finger, so I guess I'll be unsticking shit from my hand all day.
If I made a 4-hour documentary film about chickens, I’d call it, “Coop Dreams.” (and that’s how you tweet)
I was listening to Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus and my 4-yr old asked if it was bluegrass..."b/c in bluegrass they always sing about Jesus." #proud
Don’t go chasing waterfalls, mostly because prolonged contact with icy water spilling off towering cliffs can cause hypothermia.
Really? You’re gonna insist on waiting til I’m served my dinner before you start on yours? You’re an idiot.
I bet that bird you always see flying around inside the airport is hungover wondering how he got there and what the hell happened last night
You know Kellyanne Conway has a Trump Stamp.
More podcasts need to run 9 minutes long.
Caught a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror today. Oof.
Some girls smell so heavily of shampoo, and that’s not just cuz I’m behind them, nose in their hair, inhaling deeply.
Just once would I like to kowtow ham-handedly. Just so I can say that.
This seems to be indicative of my career: I was just retweeted by someone with ZERO followers. Thanks Andy for getting the word out.
Half hour into LaLa Land my wife turns to me and says, "This movie is SO LA."
No Donald, it’s checks and balances, not chicks on balance beams.
I prefer writing my bucket list goals in the form of a regular to-do list. Why associate death with adopting an alpaca?
Christmas reminder: say no to Satan's pow'r.
I can name ALL the U.S. presidents except for 31 of them.
I still find Isabella Rossellini attractive. #LiberalElite
I I just saw this guy's job title on Linked In was “Freelance Blogger.” Wow, someone’s DOUBLE unemployed.
Funniest follow-up text to a dinner party invitation I've ever received (this is real): "Do you mind eating b4? I think I don't have enough for 3."
Fun arts & crafts idea for kids: Go to Starbucks, order a caramel macchiato, after it cools, use the cup sleeve as a toddler fedora.
Do people who work at yarn stores have to give out spool samples? I would laugh every time.
Was just dumbfounded waiting in line at the supermarket – how did People Magazine know I’ve been wondering how Ellen finally found happiness?
My holiday newsletter to family and friends this year will read something like this: "See Facebook. Love, The Baldos"
I hate the "Who's the greatest rapper of all time" argument when everyone knows it's Shaggy.
My style of comedy is not for everyone/anyone.
In case you didn't know, my 4-yr old just informed me that today is April Poop Day.
Congratulations Facebook on your 1 billionth user today. And to the one billionth user, way to have your finger on the pulse.
They're playing Landslide at Lowe's, now I'm crying in the light bulb aisle.
Kinky Classics presents “Of Mice in Men”.
Time waits for no one, except maybe the cable guy.
Working title for judge on judge gay porn flick- "Balls in Your Court"
I bet the President of Taco Bell has a bidet in his house.
I'll never understand choosing chop sticks over a fork. Would you shovel snow with two tree branches just to feel cool and Japanesey?
Hard to fathom Chris Christie winning any kind of race.
Just found out the Machine in "Florence + the Machine" is a paper shredder.
For me, an acoustic guitar solo just can't cause a full-on boner.
That “What about Breakfast at Tiffany’s” song really holds up sucking.
Wouldn’t it be great if the first person who ever heard a parrot speak was really stoned?
A sign your kid needs less iPad time is when he starts using his fingers to enlarge the picture on the cereal box.
Wife's mad at me because I asked for separate checks at the Mr. Softee truck.
At least Romney still has his other 8 white houses. #2012election
I might like rap music more if rappers could just be confident.
James Taylor's voice is what I imagine flan would sound like if it could sing.
Congrats to my buddy Charles who just passed the bar! Typically he’d stop in for a few shots before his night shift at Denny's.
Defective bouncy castles that fly away and injure kids are a good argument for childhood obesity.
Wonder who the first magician was to think, "How cool would it be if I pulled a chain of 60 fucking colorful handkerchiefs out of my blazer pocket?"
Whenever I see a guy in New York City wearing a Boston Red Sox hat, I feel obligated to say, “Dude! My cousin went to Tufts.”
Someone just told me I’m never too old to join the cast of SNL. Shit, all these years, I could’ve just joined?!
Fun fact: the boys of summer from Don Henley’s song “Boys of Summer” were named Keith, Lloyd, Scotty and Herb “Beans” Blumstein.
Tried helping my 2-yr-old take off his shoes. He said "I do it myself," then gave up and said, "Ok YOU do it myself."
To all those who don’t know actors' names or movie quotes or song lyrics, good luck at parties, losers.
You think ISIScapades would sell tickets?
Fireworks should be called skylights. Skylights should be called roof windows. Way to fuck up words, America.
“I love that Bill Ferrell 'More Wood Block’ skit.” -my dad trying to connect with me
Here's the deal, when the microwave popcorn bag says this side up, I put that side down. Boom! Fuck you establishment.
It's NOT fun to stay at the YMCA because it probably means your house was just leveled by a tornado.
See, this is why I love NYC– in the coffee shop across from my apartment, they’re filming an episode of Game of Thrones.
GIRLS is the only show in the history of tv/film where I cover my eyes during the naked scenes.
Sting shook my hand tonight. Went home and tantric masturbated with it.
Dear holiday party invitation, you lost me at "54th and 11th." #NYC
The movie GATSBY was based off a book?!!
Sucks that dumb people have conviction, but it makes sense.
Dubstep sounds like that little robot girl from Small Wonder had diarrhea.
Just asked my wife who's playing in the Super Bowl today. With confidence she said, "The Denver Heat and the Chicago Tribune."
I said, "Try again." She comes back with, "Jefferson Airplane vs the Dirty South?" Nailed it.
Never seek an honest answer from someone who says, "Ahm'be honest witchu."
I moved out of Williamsburg the day I felt too old to handle Chuck Taylor's arch support.
My wife and I go together lika a rama lama lama, but we're in counseling for ka dinga da dinga dong.
NO ONE gets a free ride through a revolving door. Either we both push or you ain't getting in and I ain't getting out.
Dude, Various Artists has a new album.
I'd pay at most a nickel to see Nickelback in concert. And my guess is, after the show I'd ask for my nickel back.
You can just send me a text, you don't have to shoot it to me.
Hey woman shouting into your cellphone like this café is your sound proofed home office, I wish I had the balls to say this to your face.
Worst career choice up to now was making my LinkedIn profile pic a shot of me taking a dump on a beach.
"It's not turmeric!" -Arnold on a cooking show
Just realized the unemployed loser I always see wandering aimlessly around my neighborhood probably thinks the same thing about me.
This morning, my son threw me a surprise party in his diaper.
Hey New York Times, how bout we save a few thousand trees a week and ditch the Automobiles section?
Sing Sing sounds like a great place to bring your toddler. FYI, don't.
Getting separated from your family at the mall when your 5 is terrifying. When you’re 40 and married, it’s just wonderful.
Robin Thicke is required by law to go door-to-door in his neighborhood to inform neighbors he's Robin Thicke.
I'm wrong. There, see honey?
You will NEVER guess who I saw at the Madonna concert last week – gay dudes
My vote is for MackleLESS.
The amount of sugar my deli guy puts in an iced coffee could kill a small dentist.
"I'm a graffiti artist." –vandal
Having a secret second family is tough when they live in your building.
I have so many great ideas, but they're all tangled up in this goddam coiled energy saving light bulb over my head.
Tip for the freezing cold, New Yorkers– choose your expression before leaving the house.
Colin Firth has our women by the balls.
Oh the irony if Mr Peanut's kid had a peanut allergy.
Soup or no soup, he's still a Nazi. How is he in business?
There's nothing more heartwarming than a Facebook birthday wish except for maybe a belated Facebook birthday wish.
No offense, armadillo, but my 2-year-old pronounces you, "armadildo."
How's my kid supposed to learn the letters L M N O & P when that stupid alphabet song rips through them like a Yngwie Malmsteen guitar solo?
If you're in your 30s and have a pet iguana, go ahead and take down your online dating profile.
In Don't Stop Believin when the guitar rips and goes BA BA!, on each BA! I always flex my right then left bicep. That make me a douchebag?
Wonder if a Mac Genius can get this mammoth toenail out from under my J key.
Ok America, you can stop inventing quirky-ass corkscrews.
Tweets are the window to a person's ass-soul.
"Don't talk to me in the morning until I've had my toffee." -toffee junkie
I always have Mission Impossible music playing in my head when I come home after my wife is asleep.
I feel like after sex, credits should roll.
Sorry Tennessee, but you look like a piece of chipped crown molding from my parent's dining room.
“I like big butts and I cannot tell a lie.” –George Sir Mix-a-Washington
I know within the first 10 minutes of a song whether I think it's too long or not.
You familiar with "40-Something Guy who Shazams songs at cool Williamsburg parties, then plays them for his 40-Something friends to seem cool"? That’s me.
Right now, I would have rather left my 2-year-old in the coffee shop than my laptop charger.
Today I came up with something I call the Pizza Challenge. Here's how it works: you eat as much pizza as you can.
An email that says “Purchase PILLZ ;)” couldn’t be spam could it? I mean they winked at me like they knew me. Clicking!
I want to party with J.D. Power and Associates. ESPECIALLY the Associates.
My grandmother listens to dislocated hip-hop.
I think we should take all the lint gathered from dryers and use it to build houses for the homeless. #smart
Ever at a party and bond with someone over liking black pepper instead of salt on food? Forget it, everyone else disappears.
Ask me how much I care about your fantasy football stats.
“When I was your age we had SEEDS in our watermelon!!” -Me this morning yelling at the young produce clerk
If I ever moved out of NYC, I’d feel a great sense of loss Angeles.
I LOVE tiny emoticons. Nothing makes me feel more youthful than needing reading glasses to figure out your emotions.
Thinking of running in next year’s New York City Toyotathon.
Weird, when I type “Toad the Wet” into Spotify’s search field, the only band that comes up is Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Just got my train of thought back from a conversation I started 7 years ago. My point was – Ted Kennedy has the same head shape as Jay Leno.
Hey marathon runners, you think you're better than me? Well you are! Don't forget it!!
Sorry, but if it takes longer than one day for your toddler to break his new Slinky, take him to the hospital. He’s not well.
If I meet one more Josh, I swear I’m gonna snap.
Everything I write is a “thought-piece."
I don’t know which Fallon/Timberlake “History of Rap” to believe!!
A condom would be a terrible cereal box prize.
Let's just call an ear lobe what it is, an ear scrotum.
Astronomers discovered 3 Earth-sized planets where water could be present. Just think, there could be millions of other assholes out there.
I’ve never seen a background singer who truly knows what to do with their hands.
This whole Subway Jared thing proves my theory about all Jareds being a bit off.
I hate when someone beats me to the pun. Oh snap I just beat myself.
Sitting next to an old guy who’s eating Bugles for the 1st time. He can’t believe how good they are. It’s never too late to live, people.
Death is scary. Near death is hilarious.
If Twitter allowed only 5 characters, most of my tweets would be "balls"
When I do it, it feels like DECENT exposure.
My favorite part of the Super Bowl is the "In Memoriam” where they reflect on players who've died this year from brain damage.
Just FYI honey, I love you more than the 8 minutes I put in at Rite Aid buying your Valentine’s Day card.
If you wear a skullcap, be prepared to answer to The Edge’s lawyers.
Feel bad for wire hangers being associated with back alley abortions and Joan Crawford beating a kid, when all they want is to hang a cute top.
Ever see a guy using a selfie stick then realize it’s just his grotesquely bony arm?
In Eddie Murphy’s Party All the Time, he sings, “You never come home at night, you’re always out romancin’.” Not how I’d address my girl’s cheating habits. "A condom wrapper in your purse??? I KNEW IT!!! YOU'VE BEEN OUT ROMANCIN!!!"
The words, “James, take a picture of this frittata.” are spoken at least 20 times per weekend in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn.
I like holidays. They're a good excuse to be happy.
Do pilots have “actor season”?
Internet Tip: Better to “SafeUnsubscribe” than to “UnsafeSubscribe.”
Schnitzel gives me the schnitz.
Charlotte Airport has the most exquisite Sbarro's I've ever had the pleasure of walking past to get to Burger King.
Before recently, I always felt bad about saying anything, but Bill Cosby had some dumb-ass sweaters.
My biggest question about adulthood is why the "k" in 401(k) needs to be in parentheses.
Despite the fact that Boko Haram has abducted 2000 people since 2014, I still love Whiter Shade of Pale.
Today on the subway I heard a girl, about 25-yrs old, say to her friend, "I jist wanna meet a guy that's ma-chirr." No she doesn't.
If your last name is Pepper, I’d rethink Med school.
Observational humor gets old, am I right?
I just posted a photo. To my fridge! Suck it!!!
I'd be a prouder American if you could be imprisoned for wearing Ugg boots.
In my life, I’ve had fewer frustrating moments with human beings than I’ve had with tiny stickers on apples.
Forgetting completely what it's intended for, a dildo would make a great baby toy.
My wife calls the Shuffle feature on Spotify "Scramble." Adorable.
My wife finds it annoying when I sext her, mostly 'cause I do it while we’re having sex.
I like texting winking frowny faces. A example-"Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend (frown). Mind if I have a crack at her?” (wink) ;(
Just saw my favorite dive bar received an 'A' rating. Looks like I need a new favorite dive bar.
"You must be on the government's No-Flaw List." #pickupline
For Aaron Neville, every day is Ash Wednesday.
My reaction to seeing a dead pigeon on the ground today was saying out loud, "Ouch." Worst eulogy ever.
I'll never be as passionate about anything as I was about Froot Loops when I was 8.
I've never been to paradise OR me. :(
I'm a first-time pajama pants owner, and a last-time go-getter.
With all the messed up stuff going on in the world right now, don't you think we can finally just forgive Milli Vanilli?
Not a lot of good one-liner comedians coming out of the Caribbean, probably cuz rim shots don't play well on the steel drum.
Ok so is Little Steven Van Zandt's E Street band character the "Dude with Cancer"?
"Can we all please start calling cranberry sauce what it really is: CHUTNEY!!" -pissed off yuppie at Thanksgiving
I just got a holiday card from my dentist that opened with: Dear (patient's name),
You KNOW Skinny Pete and Badger from Breaking Bad were Juggalos.
Les is mor?
After six years, I'm finally off the Men's Warehouse mailing list. I feel like sailing around the world.
Pretty sure the Spin Doctors were never mistaken for real doctors.
I've never said, "Nothing a little Kid Rock can't fix."
Can someone recommend me a good "Figure It Out Yourself" book?
It'd be fun to love dick.
Have a holly, jolly, amazon dot commy xmas!!
I bet the guy who wrote Silver Bells got laid a ton.
Just heard wife say from kitchen- "I can't believe how intense this kale is." Life is slowing down.
Woman or man, if Prince asked you to have sex with him, you did it.
If "XO" was in the dictionary, its definition would be- "Bullshit sign-off to someone you don't like so much."
Thinking of tattooing tear drops to my baby's face so he doesn't get bullied in day care.
To those who can't detect sarcasm in written form, I totally understand & believe it has NOTHING to do w/ your lack of intelligence. Really.
Some guy just told me he makes homemade mayonnaise. I was like, "Dude, why you telling me? Save it for the ladies."
What??! I just found out the word "uncanny" doesn't mean "not at all can-like."
Whenever I play any funk song at home, my wife asks me if it's James Brown. Because I'm a busy guy, my answer is always yes.
At coffee shop with laptop & son strapped to my chest. Guy just said, “Precious cargo ya got there.” I replied, “Yep, she’s a Mac Air.”
My baby carrier is the long neck of a bird wrapped several times around my body holding my son to me. It’s called a Baby Björk.
Can't wait to see illiam H acy, rances cDormand and teve uscemi in ARGO.
Fun fact: Joe Biden has 6,302 teeth.
Just spent 2 minutes waving my hands in front of the sensor of a paper towel dispenser - nothing came out. Smart machine tho, cuz now my hands are dry.
Dame Judi Dench? More like Lame Doody Stench. KIDDING! KIDDING! DON’T HURT ME BUCKINGHAM PALACE!
Gay porn is for the serious “Bro-mance” enthusiasts.
“Boot-cut chinos should pay for their own health care.” –Banana Republican
Mitt Romney looks presidential, but even more like the baritone in a barbershop quartet.
If I pierce my 3-month-old son’s left ear with a thin hoop earring now, he’s sure to grow up to play saxophone.
Every year I choose to participate in either Halloween or the NY Marathon. My choice typically reflects my love of Kit Kats.
I gotta work on casting a cooler shadow. Mine acts like a jackass.
It’s bad luck to open your umbrella inside your butt.
#FF reading books
Hipsters are not looking forward to the cold season when their scarves go into storage.
Movie idea: We Bought a Zooey Deschanel
My dad was a benevolent alcoholic. He'd come home drunk and make me choose between a bat, belt or lead pipe. The one I chose he'd sell at a yard sale and put into a college fund.
All 5,004 of my tweets are cries for help.
"This is the Fig Newton of sex toys." -bad sex toy salesman
I like Foursquare better as a playground game than as 26 people knowing I'm at Starbucks.
Tell me again what's so fantastic about bees' knees. I'd rather be the balls of a panther.
Why haven’t I ever seen the Naked Cowboy’s dick? #falseadvertising
My hangovers are way worse when I spell October with a K.
Some sports writer wrote of the Ryder Cup- “24 players, 2 continents, 3 days of electrifying golf.” Somebody needs his asshole played with.
In “We are the Champions,” they actually came in 3rd. #musicaltruths
George Michael's guilty feet in "Careless Whisper" were never acquitted. Trial lasted 4 years.